Friday, 29 January 2010

The Fat Thing.

Ok, I am fat. There are new two ways around it I am a fatty arbuckle, a biffer and a big time chubster. I hate it. I have around 7st to lose I think but it is so fucking difficult. I like food, I like the sensuality of flavours and textures but I have a bad relationship with it. I am terrified of being thin too, because what if I am still this miserable when I am thin? At least when I am fat and miserable I know that is part of the reason I am miserable (twisted or what?!). I am headed back to the GP for more (possibly in 2 senses of the word) Antidepressants and I am going to ask for help. It isn't easy, most of it is psychological. At one point I starved myself to 6.5 stone and still thought I was fat. I am terrified that if I start dieting successfully I won't stop. I swing between wanting to starve myself until I disappear and eating until I feel sick as punishment. I don't know how to control it anymore, or what I want except that it is anything but this. I am pretty sure a part of the reason I am housebound a lot is because I am fat and I don't want to be seen out.

This is my current plan:

1, Get some rental exercise DVDs from Lovefilm in things I like (I have ordered a bollywood one, a belly dance one and a Strictly Come Dancing one).

2, Sign up for Weight Loss Resource and start logging my food again.

3, Move meals into the dining room (better crack on with the table linen then eh?!)

4, Start making more of an effort with myself so that I WANT to be slimmer.

5, Not give myself "a day off" because no such thing exists in life when it comes to eating.

I am bricking it.

1 comment:

l'optimiste said...

difficult one. If you feel like that, then you feel like that.

But my first impression of you was not 'she's fat'. It was - ''bloody hell, nice hair''; and I remember thinking how pretty you are. Probably most people would think that. But I know it doesn't matter what other people think - it's how you feel yourself.

I tried the dining room thing too - it worked for a while ;o)

Good luck - we're all out here, sometimes feeling horrid, fat or ugly too. So you're not alone.