Tuesday, 8 January 2013

A Jonah Day.

I confess I have been listening to Anne of Green Gables a bit and this phrase has stuck with me to describe a Bad Day. I have a serious case of the New Year Blues.

Firstly I am exhausted after 2 weeks of full time children. One of whom has been whizzy from day 1 of the holiday until they went back to school. She needs so much management at the moment to keep her on an even keel, especially alongside all the Christmas Excitement which disrupts her sense of normalcy. I don't think she has actually stopped talking for more than 10 minutes at a time and, of course, everything she says is of the utmost importance. We are still, well I guess the word is grieving too. We knew she was Autistic but it is a whole different ball game with other people telling you so. Now instead of thinking "are we imagining it" we are thinking "I wish it wasn't her". I love Phoebe with all my heart but it is horrible to think that she is always going to be a bit odd. It is horrible to think that she will have to fight that little bit harder to walk the same path as everyone else. I have heard a lot of "but it doesn't change her" since the diagnosis and no, it doesn't but it doesn't make it any less of a bitter pill for us to swallow.

Secondly I accidentally upset a friend when I wouldn't have done it intentionally for the world. I am so unable to let this go that I have been berating myself for my stupidity. Because of previous friendships my brain automatically goes to the worst case scenario in which I am culled forever. Plus all this beating myself up is more exhaustion.

One of the Dad's at the school drop off was rude to me this morning over something stupid. I bolted back to my car and cried. I am glad that I made it back to the car before the tears because that would have been mortifying.

Then this evening I accidentally parked in front of a garage. I really truly didn't see it (and they didn't have a dropped curb) but I got back to my car to a delightful passive agressive note. More yay.

I am just waiting now for the sausages to defrost so I can cook a fry up for my beloved as it is his birthday and then I am going to go to bed and hope things are better in the morning.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

New Year. Same Old Me.

2012 was shit. There were a few good moments but it feels like the whole year was tainted by the wait over Phoebe's Autism. But now that is done I feel we can move forward as a family.

2013 has a lot to offer us now. We have a trip to South Africa to plan for and it's a family wedding so of course there are outfits to plot. Moving forward with the girl's education and hopefully getting the balance right for Phoebe so she can continue to excel. Trips to take. Walks to take Jasper on. Expanding my working capabilities if possible. Brownies to start!

Mostly I am looking forward to seeing both my girls develop and learn. They amaze me every day and I am an unashamedly proud mother. I am sure they will continue to do so.