The absolute kicker of this rancid vile disease. It surprises you, you can have a wonderful day one day and the next you are back in the depths of despair, often just a little deeper than you were before.
I had a fab day on Saturday, we went to see friends again and my cheeks hurt, properly physically hurt from chatting and laughing with them and their wonderful children. Today? Today I have wanted to disappear into the ether with feelings of despair and misery. When I get very sick with it I can feel my blood wanting to escape, I think I won't feel anything unless I cause it myself (I haven't self harmed today but oh god I have wanted to). I can't bear being around the children and all the normal noises they make and their desire to cuddle or touch me. I have been livid with Clara today as she has fought me over everything.
Then there is feeling ridiculous. Foolish for being afraid of things that other people do everyday. Like walking up to Tesco and back. It is 500m there and back and I can't do it, I have to drive. I have to drive 500m, how fucking ridiculous is that?! I can't describe the fear or even what I am afraid of out there, it is just Out There, people seeing me and somehow seeing inside my soul at what a bad and horrible person I must be. Rationally I know this isn't true and yet it still terrifies me.
I want to be rational, I want to be normal, I want to go out on my own, I want to be able to enjoy getting ready to go out and have fun, I want to not panic that someone is watching me. I want to be able to take things for granted and not have to arrange my entire life outside these walls around times that people can do things with me, mostly without their knowledge.
Sorry for the pity party of one but I am so sick of feeling like this, and this is my little ranty place.