I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this holiday. I am totally on my own this time which is making it worse. So far I have filled my Love Film list with children's movies so that we have different things to watch if the mood takes us. And I have written a little list of things we can do that are reasonably local to us:
Natural History Museum
Deen City Farm
Boat Ride on the Thames
The Arc soft play
Brighton / Seaside trip
But a lot of those activities involve money I don't have so I will have to think of ways around it all or find different, free, activities. I have a headache thinking about it to be honest, I wish I could blink and it would be September.
I feel like such a horrible mother for feeling like this. But the truth is I am not coping as well as people seem to think I am. I am lonely but I am too shy to make friends from Preschool, I am frightened of getting hurt again I suppose. Call me stupid and over dramatic if you like but I am, events last year have left me feeling so wary of people. I am dreadfully paranoid of people's reaction to me, I just don't feel like I can do life "right". I am a perpetual outsider I fear, living on the edge of everything. I want to belong really but I am so frightened of it all. I feel like giving up on ever getting better, maybe this is the life I am meant to live and I should just put up and shut up.