Today has been (on my scale) a good day. The girls swam well today and we decided that as soon as there is a space Phoebe will move up a class as she is over confident (read: Bored so messes around) in this class and hopefully the next class will push her that little bit further. Other upside is that her usual teacher was away today and her Mum took the class instead (she is also a swim teacher) and was able to witness the Phoebe and Clara Swimming Show so is going to instruct normal teacher to push them both that little bit harder as they both need it. I baked bread, I didn't sew and I didn't lock myself in my bedroom and hide under the duvet. I haven't needed a diazepam in 4 days now I think which is a good thing, it means the AD medication is starting to work I hope. I am seeing the doc again on Friday, Mum is coming with me so hopefully we will find out how long the psych referral will take to come through (and if they accept me, I really hope so) and what will happen then. I still don't enjoy being out and about by any stretch and I suspect that the trip into Matalan was a bad idea and I ended up with a child under each arm and a frog march back to the car. We only went in for pants and vests for Phoebe!
On bad days, well it is a disaster zone, I can't do anything. I pride myself on my cooking and right now I can't do that very well (I have burnt more food in the last month than I have in my life I think!). I forget everything (eating, showering etc), I can't finish sentences, I jabber, I have no patience with the children or Paul, I panic about stupid things (under siege by the window cleaner?!) and I shake all the time. I generally don't do much on bad days but sit on the sofa under my blanket (where I am right now) and play Sims3. I know it sounds barmy but it gives me a small sense of control, something I don't feel I have in the outside world. I have lost so so much because of this awful illness (and it is just that, an illness), some things I hope I will one day be able to repair and others I have to let go of no matter how much that hurts.
At the moment I would really like to be able to sleep, I would sleep all the time if I could. Bed is such a comforting place... safe and warm. But I have to get up, I have to get children to and from school, I have to feed them lunch, change nappies, ensure bottoms are adequately wiped, referee arguments, field endless questions (from both of them), ensure toys are shared nicely, watch endless amounts of Cbeebies or Disney/Pixar movies. I am about to go up and watch episodes of Buffy until I pass out (why can't they put a "watch all" bit on the DVD the theme tune always wakes me just as I am dropping off!).
My friends and family are being truly amazing. I feel no pressure to be better for anyone other than myself. I know they love me warts and all and given what a royal pain in the arse I must be some times that is saying a lot! The support and understanding they have shown me is second to none. One day I will be better and I will be back in control of myself and then I will be able to thank them properly. I am doing my best to get through the days right now, slowly slowly I can see the light blinking at the end of the tunnel. One day I will reach it.