I've been being all crafty again...

I bought this material to make into pyjamas when I went to the stitch and craft fair back in March. However it was only after going to Bluewater with Mum (yes, I finally braved it and it wasn't bad... but then I didn't bump into anyone thankfully!) and getting to have a squiz through the pattern counter in their haberdashery! I finally found a pattern I liked and I set too making them up. There was a small issue between me and the automatic buttonholer on the sewing machine but I figured it out this morning and managed to do the button holes and finish off the PJs. Here they are:

Phoebe is thrilled with them (and the matching scrunchie I whizzed up) and is looking forward to wearing them to bed tonight!

Now about that other pair... does anyone have a nightie pattern?!

You are getting very sleeeeeeepy....

Today was Paul Mckenna today, and it was fab! I am very very impressed with it all actually and have come away feeling fired up and ready to do it.

It was an early start (well for me, I don't usually get up until 8am when Paul leaves for work!) and today I was out of the house by 7.45 to get to Earls Court. I met Mum and we walked to the hotel, it was very easy to find for 2 reasons. 1, There was a great big sign saying "Ibis Hotel" on it and 2, there was a steady stream of larger people walking in the same direction! We got in and got some good seats and then hung about for an hour (it was a sit where you like job so we needed to be early) nattering which was nice.

At 10am it all kicked off and Paul McKenna came in (well duh!) and grandstanded a little. he very quickly broke the ice with the 800 strong crowd and got onto topic. He is not a fan of the usual diets, because he thinks they focus too much on the food and not enough on the thought processes behind what we eat. He has a good point to be fair, all the impulses we have to comfort eat or binge are all just electrical signals in the brain. And they can be re-programmed or changed! Weightloss is about Eating Less and Moving More, but for those of us who struggle his system helps us reprogram our brains a bit to manage our eating and movement for the positive.

So much of what he said made sense to me and Mum, the self sabotage, the denial and comfort eating etc etc etc. As I am sure did many of the others in the seminar room too. Some very brave women went up on stage to go through some of the techniques with him and then he went through them with the rest of us en masse. They were amazing and really did help! After his craving buster technique I am not sure I will go near a cream slice for a while, combining compulsion and revulsion really worked and I was very nearly sick whilst thinking of eating them mixed with courgettes and spitoon contents!

The main crux behind his system, hypnosis to oneside, was 4 golden rules, they are very very simple ones to remember and are:

1, When you are hungry EAT
2, Eat what you WANT
3, Eat CONSCIOUSLY
4, When you are full STOP.

Basically eating consciously means turn off other distractions whilst you eat, put your cutlery down inbetween mouthfuls and then savour each mouthful for longer. He suggested chewing about 20 times to really get all the flavours and enjoy the food, I didn't manage that many but I certainly spent more time per mouthful! This way when your stomach sends the full signal you aren't busy on a high from lots of lovely food chucked down your throat at speed. When I went to lunch I found I could eat much less and be full, and stay full. He also showed us how true hunger comes on gradually and doesn't come on all of a sudden, that is usually stress related hunger which can be dealt with! He showed us plenty of techniques to deal with all of this too which was fab and very useful. We also got a set of 5 CDs each to help us keep it up and keep on top of all the techniques until they become second nature to us!

I got to meet the man himself at the end too which was exciting!

(excuse the picture, iphone + starstruck Mummy lol!)

I am so glad Mum and I went today, it was a fabulous day (if long 10am - 6pm) and we both learnt lots. I am looking forward to putting it into action properly, slightly tricky tonight because the Chinese restaurant we ordered from hadn't heard that when I am hungry I need to EAT lol

Depression is like watching you life pass you by

Like a show on the television, you can watch but you can't join in.

Like being a model in a window display, outwards looking happy and normal but separated by a pane of glass.

The thoughts that go through your mind can't be expressed without feeling like a drama queen or that you are attention seeking. It is exhausting reaching out asking for help and risking hurting others with your pain. Mostly because they just cannot understand the daily struggle to get up and do day to day things and how everything is a chore that seems like climbing Mt Everest. They cannot understand is all you want to do is curl up in bed and just disappear quietly with as little fuss as possible.

The things I find hard are knowing that I have to take medication to even feel vaguely normal. That everyday I feel bad I risk my children picking up on my misery and thinking it is their fault. That my parents blame themselves in some way for my depression, I suspect also my husband feels that way too. Their pain at not being able to fix me, kiss it better or make it just go away. They haven't told me these things but I can imagine they would feel that way because if it was my children I would.

Potty Training Mark 2.

We tried and failed earlier this year. However with Miss Clara increasingly asking me to go and do a wee and being 99% dry when not wearing a nappy (this includes being asked to come out of the bath for a wee!) I think it is time to bite the bullet again. Better yet Paul gets to do day one on Saturday as I am in London with Mum... mwa ha ha ha! I think I am going to have to hide all nappies from her (and knickers and trousers) and tell her that we have run out (we will refer to night nappies as "sleepy knickers" to break the nappy vibe) and she needs to tell Daddy when she needs a wee or a poo (and make sure Daddy is on the ball with asking her every half hour or so). My plan of action is this:

Days one and two: no pants (thankfully she won't wear trousers at the moment)
Days three and four: pants and dresses and a lot of pulling down knickers practice.

Hopefully after that we can go to normal but cart the porta-potty around with us until she will use the toilet regularly (she is too little to be able to get onto the loo herself for a while yet!).

I don't really want to go down the reward route for potty use because I don't think it is reward-worthy. A good cheer and a well done should do it.

I better get some more wine in for us though!

Come on Mr McKenna... Fix me, I dare you!

For my birthday present Mum has bought me tickets to Paul McKenna's show this weekend in London Village. It is on Saturday and I am quite excited about it, also a little nervous too. I have a very iffy relationship with food. I like it but I fear it too, I have been to both ends of the scale of dodgy food relationships and have never found a happy medium as yet. I am 32, that is a long time battling with it. I seem to use food to either punish or reward myself which is a bit stupid because at the end of the day it is just fuel really isn't it! Punishment is not eating, I don't always do this on purpose either. I can get to the end of the day and feel all odd and then realise it is because I haven't actually eaten anything at all! Reward is punishment in a different outfit really, I "treat" myself and stuff my face silly. I have stomach issues with dairy (seriously, just take issues and go with it... it is a definite "TMI" subject) and yet I can't seem to give it up (or even reduce my intake).

I am (or rather I feel) the size of an elephant and it is so depressing I actually don't have mirrors (we have 2 small ones I don't see often). If the girls want to see themselves in an outfit they now go and look at their reflection in the oven. How bad does that make me feel? Very. I am so worried I am going to warp them with my ridiculous weight and food issues. They are already faddy which is very upsetting and frustrating.

So come on Mr McKenna... do your best!

Hello... this looks familiar.

Oh yes it's Wits End.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

They won't leave me alone for more than 30 seconds. They are both exhausted after a late night last night and the new TV system Paul designed is stop starting so I can't access all the movies. Clara is now dressed as a princess but still climbing all over me and Phoebe won't stop moaning. She is hungry, thirsty, tired, bored etc etc but won't actually TELL me what she wants. I am hot and bothered and I want to clean the house because it MINGS.

I actually had a nice morning because they were both in school until 12.30. I went to a carpet shop and looked for stairs carpets (ours is beyond cleaning), bought hay and rabbit food (and a cooler for their water bottle). Then the hoards descended again and chaos reigned supreme, they won't even go outside because it is "too hot" apparently. Oh and I can't crack out the sprinkler because I (or Paul) left the swimming bag with all the girls things at a friends house and now I have to hope it arrives in the post pre swimming tomorrow! I can't give Paul too much grief as he will have a go back because I misplaced the car keys last night (they were on the outside table but I had totally forgotten they were there!). Gah.

When one is playing in a sprinkler...

One needs the proper attire. I was informed of this by Phoebe and Rowan. Proper attire is, in the case of these two strong minded girls a bathing costume (green with spots in the case of the former and a rather lovely floral tankini in the case of the latter),  a pink fish swimming hat and a pair of goggles. Alas I only have photographic evidence of Phoebe in her outfit:

I must say though that Rowan pulled it off better looking like a young Esther Williams in her bathers and hat.

Bag Patterns....

Hey-ulp! I have seen some fabric that I NEED but I can't justify buying it without a project to go with it. I think I would quite like a new bag with it.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=260597573915&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT

See what I mean?! I NEED it! Now I just need to find a pattern... so recommend me patterns please fellow stitchers!

Play dough: FAIL! Black mark for Supernanny!

At the weekend we had Hugo and Eliza over to play with Annabel whilst Peter and Paul went off for beers and Ironman 2. I decided the best way to keep all 4 children entertained was to make a spot of play dough. This was great except I was all out of cream of tartar, an integral part of my tried and tested recipe, as was Tesco and Spar. So it was back to the 2010 equivalent of the drawing board (Google) to find a recipe that didn't use it. After a little while we came up with the Supernanny website and found this recipe:

• 1 cup flour
• 3/4 cup salt
• 3/4 to 1 cup water
• A few drops of food colouring
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 

Why when it is on an English website they couldn't have converted it to weights and volumes instead of cups I don't know! I have ordered cups now because even my tested recipe has them. Anyway when mixed together it made a large amount of gloop, not remotely dough-ish! It was rescued with the liberal application of more flour thankfully and the kids got happy rolling and cutting. The one good thing I can say about it is it hoovers up beautifully, we remembered about half an hour before we expected the boys back that when we had gone out we came back to a tidy house and 6 clean and PJ'd children. As we weren't doing PJs we set too making the house look untouched so we could be on a level playing field with smug points lol!

I have now ordered cream of tartar and lots more plain flour so we can make some really nice stuff when the shop arrives in a couple of weeks!

Friends...

My girls have been friends with my friends Jane and Mike's children since before Phoebe was born! I first met Jane when Rowan was 6 months old. Clara has known Jane since she was born... quite literally as Jane was there! It was a while before we met again but the children have always got on brilliantly. My favourite ever photograph of Phoebe and Rowan was taken 2 and a quarter years ago:

They were playing happily together on the piano! 2 and a quarter years later and not a whole lot changes, except now mostly Rowan and Clara play together and Phoebe and Lexi play next to each other, usually on computers! But at some point in the proceedings the piano always comes into play (thankfully it is one you can turn down!).

It was lovely at the weekend watching them all play on the climbing frame nicely together. I love watching my children when they aren't aware they are being watched and imagining what games they are playing (I suspect super heroes the other day as there was a lot of rescuing going on). The girls are very lucky they have a large circle of friends who they just adore, every day I am asked about when we can go and see them next! But I think Rowan and Lexi will always have a special place in the girls hearts because they are their oldest friends!

The fat bird runneth....

First day out for the Couch to 5k app I downloaded. I have identified 1 problem thus far, I don't know where I can run without looking like an utter div (currently doing round my block ad infinitum). Although I do like listening to a story more than music so that seemed to help.

Today's program was:

Walk for 5 mins as warm up. Run 1 minute, walk 1 min 30 secs x 8.

I managed half of this before conceeding defeat and coming home. Not too bad for a first time out but not totally thrilled with myself either. I found being out AND running very self conscious making (even with The BFG playing) which didn't help I have to say. Still I went and I did half of it so in a cup-half-full sort of way that is half more than I have before.

Next trip out on Wednesday... uff.

Childish fun...

On the way to see our friends Jane and Mike to help out with some decorating. I text them to let them know that we were running a little late, unfortunately I text their landline by accident. This was pointed out to us by Mike and my childish side took over so once we were on the motorway I text again saying where we now were and adding on a few swear words for fun. This then dissolved into more fun texting rude words and phrases to the landline and laughing like drains when we heard the very well spoken lady uttering words like

"minge"

or

"sweaty gussets"

or

"I am from Sweden and I wish to make an obscene telephone call. Madam, would you be so kind as to inform me what colour underwear you are wearing this evening?"

The latter being Mike's contribution after he bored of words.  Excellent childish fun for a fab day! I have to say prize goes to Mike for dealing with Clara's extraordinary explodapoo whilst we were upstairs doing decorating things!

Update on the school situation.

Firstly a note to self: the garden centre is NOT the place to call the council. Blubbing mess is not a look to be seen outside of the house.

When I dropped Phoebe off at school today someone told me that the waiting lists were out. Clara and I had to go to the garden centre to get plants to fill a flower bed now my tulips have flowered. Anyway once we got to the carpark I googled the number and called them. We are 29th on the list for our favoured school and 16th on the lists of the other 2 we like. I sobbed down the phone at the poor woman, she asked if we had appealed and I pointed out as there was no section on the application about faith we had no grounds to appeal. So it looks like Phoebe will be attending the school we don't like come September unless a miracle occurs.

Our only other thoughts are to try and appeal on the grounds of my mental health. The 3rd school on our list is on it as a Mybecky's girls go there and therefore I have guaranteed support if I have a bad day (or another migraine). I will see what happens but if needs be we will have to follow that route, although I really hate having to play that card. Especially for a new school as I don't want Phoebe to start under the tagline of "warning Mother is a looper".

I have been looking into home schooling for us and have ordered some Jolly Phonic workbooks for Phoebe and I to do together (and, lets face it, Clara too). I haven't ruled it out yet, although I do think she deserves a better teacher than me.

What is getting to me the most is the great unknown of it all. I have no school to go and look around (at least none of it is relevant to me yet as Phoebe isn't a junior and the new site is a junior school) and no head teacher to talk to. Once I am less emotional about it all I will make some calls and see if I can find someone who can reassure me about this new school and what the ethos will be like. However as I have been crying on and off all day about it, it could be a while before I make those calls! I just wish this was straightforward and I had some sort of say in it, but alas I am a passenger and I am not a good one.

Mean mean wifey!

Having suffered the walrus like snoring of my darling husband for one night to many , last night I did something naughty.

I am in the habit of bringing my iPhone to bed (nothing to do with handing it over to Phoebe in the morning to catch 20 mins more shut eye of course [ahem]!). So I grabbed it and recorded his night time baritone solos and emailed him the file. The git kept me in suspense as to his reaction until I called him at lunch unable to contain my mirth. Thankfully he took it in good humour and found it very funny.

I have to sat lying next to him right now whilst I am listening to another snore concert it is less amusing! Ah well, can't live without him, can't thwack him with a baseball bat either!

Damn you Po!

Phoebe woke up at around 3am this morning and wouldn't settle for Paul so I got nudged into the field of play. She would only sleep if I stayed with her so being a loving mother I duly did. I was woken up an hour and a half later by "ahhhhhhh....ahhhhhhhh...ahhhhhhhh" it took me a while to realise I had rolled onto Clara's huggy Po toy. Most irritating as it is also down the side of Phoebe's bed meaning I had been lying in the crack between the mattress and the wall. I staggered back to my bed and slept there for the rest of the night but the disturbed night has taken it's toll today and I have been shattered all day. I have now removed Po to a secret location as I am 90% sure that s/he has been disturbing Phoebe at night as it goes off so easily!

Still stressing about Phoebe's school place.

We have no grounds for traditional appeal so we are on a waiting list to go on a waiting list for any spare or vacated school places. This years school intake is over subscribed by around 200 pupils, so about 7 classes have to be found around the town. I am so stressed by it all because I just want Phoebe to go to a nice school and not the one she has been allocated. I am worried I am coming across as a snob but it is in such a horrible area and where we live isn't renowned for being a particularly nice place (although our street and house is lovely). I suppose I also worry because her preschool is so wonderful and nurturing and she does so well there that I don't want to fall at the next hurdle with a less than ideal school.

I almost wish I could afford Private (if I could find a local non denominational private school). Or even gear myself up to Home Educate her until a place opens up for her. Neither of these are especially viable because we can't afford Private and I am not sure my mental health is up to Home Educating. It is all so stressful, and I am spending a lot of time worrying about it even though rationally I know there is nothing I can do. It seems so odd that for the last 4 years I have made every decision for and about her and now something so major has all been taken out of my hands and I am merely a passenger whilst the council and people who have never met her sort it all out.

GAAAAAH!

Ah there is my Domestic Goddess Crown!

Today I have:

• Hoovered and tidied the living room
• Hoovered and tidied the dining room (inc my nemesis the understairs cupboard!)
• Freecycled the old TV corner unit
• Taken the old kitchen to Pre-school as I felt bad about selling it on as I wasn't happy with the condition so others wouldn't be.
• Cooked half a fishpie (mash is cooking now)
• Made a Lemon Meringue Pie
• Played shopping and kitchens with the girls.
• Not killed the children

I am knackered now and my back hurts! Yup, I am a Domestic Goddess today. Tomorrow... well who knows!

Caution: Man at work!

This weekend we have mostly been rearranging and sorting out the house. We decided we needed to do something in Clara's room as a jumping off point as she had a single bed, a set of shelves and a chest of drawers and it looked cramped in there. So we originally set off with the idea of looking for a cabin bed or similar for her so we could put her chest of drawers under it and open up a lot of space that way. Alas all the beds we saw were either too expensive or wouldn't fit in the space we needed it to. Instead we found a little white wardrobe in Ikea that was just big enough to fit with her current bed, £100 under budget too... woo! We also bought the kitchen I spoke about yesterday and it looks massively better and the girls haven't stopped playing with it so I would say result there too!

Today we had to go back for drawers to go in the wardrobe so we could get shot of Clara's chest of drawers entirely. Whilst there we came up with the idea of a small table in her room to put her dolls house on. Then we found a teeny TV table that would look good downstairs and we could move the dolls house back into general play area again. Double result! Only downside is that the door wasn't in stock. However the above picture was taken whilst Paul was rearranging all the gubbins we have connected to the TV (DVD player and sound system, Mac Mini and 2 drives, a Wii and the sky box!) The TV is hung on the wall so this tidies up that corner of the room nicely. Paul is tired from all the building he has done this weekend but was as happy as larry amidst all the technology connected to the TV. He keeps telling me we need this and that to make it his perfect set up, personally I am ok so long as I have movies and TV working through the telly, I am not too fussed by surround sound or anything else!

This week I just need to pop in and get the door for the TV cabinet and we are done for the time being. Next purchase for the living room will be to exchange our large drawer toy box for a multi door bureau type thing to try and encourage the girls to organise their toys a little better. Wait, was that a flying pig?!

Christmas take 2...

Ok the girls were very lucky and got loads of ELC vouchers for Christmas so I bought them the Sizzlin' kitchen.... what a waste of money. I don't know if it is just ours but the build quality is atrocious and bits fall off it far too regularly and it has never fitted together properly (in my opinion!). So we have decided to sell it on ebay and fund a new play kitchen, the one from Ikea. It is silent and we can't walk passed it in Ikea without loosing Clara to it for a good while. It also sits flush to the wall which will be much better for where it lives. It also has storage... oh a wonderful thing so all the play food and various other bits can live in the cupboards instead of lying next to it and using up yet more precious floor space.

Paul is going out after bath time to purchase the new kitchen and also a wardrobe for Clara's room. We have measured and it should fit with mm to spare. She needs a wardrobe as she has so many dresses and clothes that need to be hung up. We also need to make her bedroom more spacious feeling so that when we eventually come to sell it doesn't seem such a box room!

I cannot wait until I have a house where I don't have to think "will that help it sell better in the long run...". We aren't planning on moving for another couple of years but it is still there in the back of our minds no matter what decisions we make.

How many injections today Phoebe?

Phoebe had her preschool booster jabs today. She was very very brave and whilst she cried she only did for a minute and as a reward she got to eat the sweeties she got at a preschool birthday yesterday AND she got 2 stickers too! Stickers make everything better!

In other News I have spent a large portion of the day building the Buns their new hutch, they have moved from a 1 bed apartment to a 1 bed house with an upstairs and a downstairs! Lucky Buns! I have christened it Bunningham Palace, I may get a sign lol!

And here they are enjoying their new abode:

Migraines a go go.

Urgh, I loathe these things! I vividly remember my first ever migraine.

I must have been around 11, I was out in Town for the day with a friend and my temples were just about to explode. I got home and could barely move off the sofa and the thought of dinner (salmon) made me throw up with the pain of it all. Painkillers barely touched it and the only relief I got was when I was able to fall asleep. I don't think I had ever experience such pain before and it was quite a shock to the old system!

I have had them off and on ever since. Although recently I have had more of them in a cluster than I have had in a long time. We figured out it was my memory foam sound asleep pillow that was if not causing certainly wasn't helping matters. My neck has been at an odd angle which has caused the pain, today I think the direct sunlight on my way home from voting didn't help also (I get very light sensitive when I get headaches). So as of today the pillow has been handed over to Paul to use and I will buy myself the non memory foam version.  I am gutted as the pillow was my birthday present and I LOVE listening to audio books through it when I am dropping off to sleep.

The children were fantastic when I had my first migraine but now the novelty has worn off and they have reverted to vile again. 2nd one I had I just about survived until Paul got home, 3rd time I was proper poorly with it and Becky came to the rescue and whisked the girls away, this time Paul was able to come home and let me go to bed to sleep. I also now have a stash of pain killers in the house (not that they work spectacularly well) that Paul will keep his mitts off! I will also talk to the doctor about getting some immigraine in to head them off at the pass a little more.

Aside from the brain pain fun and games today has been pretty good. I managed a trip into town with Clara to do the who voting thing. We even had a little wander around and I got some chores done (including a trip into Hell....er I mean Primark!). This is quite a big thing for someone who has only just started leaving the house on her own again! My 2nd solo trip into town in about a year I think.

On the eve of change...

So tomorrow is the General Election. I will be hoiking myself and the smaller beast to the local polling station (our library) to vote. As a raging leftie I know who I will be voting for, I don't know if change will happen or even if change is a good thing really. I am mostly confused as to everything so I will vote as my conscience dictates and accept that I can do no more.

Who ever sits in the Prime Minister's chair come may 7th, I hope they are able to fix the things we value as a society without damaging the things we cherish. I don't envy their job at all really, I just hope they can pull it out of the bag and do a Good Job!

Oh and so long as it isn't the ruddy idiots at the BNP or UKIP (or any other facist idiotic regime for that matter...) honestly is there is a bigger set of numpties out there? When will people actually accept that no matter what the colour of our skin or what faith we follow at the end of the day we are all human beings and we all live on the planet earth! Together! All the hate out there does nothing but destroy, if more people were able to just accept other people as they are, then maybe the world would be a better place to live? I don't get hate... such a waste of emotion.

Funday! Well sorta...

Today we have celebrated the May Bank Holiday in true British bank holiday style. Our local hospital's radio station held a funday in the park with a huge car boot sale and funfair. It would have been fabulous had it not hailed sporadically through the day!

Actually Paul gave me a wonderful lie in until 11am which was much needed and I woke feeling dizzy from too much sleep! Phoebe was feeling a little below par, complaining of a stomach ache and in fact very uncharacteristically took herself to bed for a morning nap! Anyway everyone was up so just before lunch we headed off to the park. The funfair looked pretty good, it was small but there were a few good rides for the girls and a few stalls selling tat that they loved.

We decided to head to the carboot bit first. We gave the girls £3 each to spend on anything they wanted. Phoebe said she wanted a toy car and Clara said she wanted a fire engine or a digger. Both of them were incredibly fussy though and couldn't find anything they wanted so they decided to save their money for 'weeties. There was a lot of whining about going on rides so we stopped by a stall where the girls won a lovely tasteful dolphin and charming pink teddy bear. Then we went and got some lunch, Phoebe said she wasn't hungry and, true to her word ate nothing. Clara ate half a hot dog and some chips but wasn't entirely impressed!

Then we headed back to the funfair and the girls went on a few rides. Clara was not impressed with the swinging boat ride but loved anything where she went round and round and round and giggled like a loon. Phoebe despite looking as white as a sheet insisted she was fine to go on any ride she wanted to (given that she had an empty stomach I worry as she had nothing to bring up!). Then after we had exhausted the rides suitable for the girls we went and bought the much coveted sweeties. I was quite impressed that both girls produced their coins with no fuss what so ever! They bought a bag of candy floss each and thankfully ate very little of it and were happy to have it metered out to them through out the day!

When we got home we decided we were so chilled from the random hailstorms all day that we would christen our fireplace. We have lived here for 6 years and only recently got it renovated. We originally thought it would have to be replaced but thankfully we were mistaken and it was good to go following a few pennies being spent on it. Paul loaded it up with kindling, firelighters and smokeless fuel and off it went. It has been burning away merrily ever since and our living room has never been so toasty!

Conversations with a 2 yr old drama queen

Clara: Mummy, I princess. You King ok?

Me: Ok am I a good king or a bad king?

Clara: Bad King!

Me Oh no, who will rescue you!!

Clara: Me!!

Me: Ok, how are you going to so that?

Clara: [thinks] Sit on step... tell off.... and take all yours monies!!

Somehow I don't doubt this plan!