You may have noticed things have been a bit tough recently. I haven't been coping well with anything, this includes a massive (and I mean gargantuan) panic attack that lasted pretty much overnight. Thanks to 3 very close friends, my lovely husband and my wonderful parents I came through the other side. I was able to calm down enough to pop and see my wonderful friend yesterday afternoon where we went through everything that was happening at the moment and she helped me sort it all out in my head a little better. She also helped me to see that some of the things I have done (like the facebook stuff) was because I was not feeling rational and could only see one way of doing things, the only thing I know how to do which is to withdraw myself. It doesn't make the greatest of sense to anyone really, well anyone except me but it is the only method I have for coping with things and protecting myself. It was also my way of not getting others involved although I appreciate it didn't work quite the way I intended it to.
This morning, whilst the girls were living it up at pre school, Paul and I headed off to the doctor. Until now I have done this on my own, doctors appts I mean, but we both felt I have a distinct knack of shrugging off the harsh reality of things sometimes and Paul was much more able to give an objective and truthful view of what has been happening of late. Between the 3 of us we figured out that the dosage I was on was controlling the depression side but wasn't enough for the anxiety I have been feeling which has been pretty out of control this year. It was getting to a hindering point where I don't like leaving the house if I can avoid it. Especially on my own or with just the girls. I am usually ok if I am meeting someone as I know I am safe and have a 2nd person there to stabilise me (whether they are aware or not) or keep an eye on the girls with me. On my own, with the girls or even if I am meeting a large group of people I feel open and vulnerable and, sometimes, terrified. In fact the last time I met up with a group people I ran late because it was scaring me being out and about alone in a city I didn't know (one of my big fears is getting lost, I am a true Tomtom addict!), I think they took my slow strolling as enjoying being out without the girls when it was in fact me fighting every step of the way to get there and not high tail it back to my car and come home. When it takes you all day to have to work up to going out for a bag of stuffing or to the post office, it is not right. Anyway so now I have calming meds for a bit to take the edge off my anxiety and a higher dose of anti depressants. Next step if this doesn't work will be a different kind of AD. I have already had CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) at the start of the year, that really helped for my BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) issues but hasn't really helped for the anxiety which is why we are seeking more help.
The change that has happened for the positive is that I am not feeling the pressure to be well anymore. This is a difficult thing to describe, I often feel pressure to get better for the girls, or for Paul or, well, anyone else but me. I think that until recently I haven't 100% wanted to get better just for me but for everyone else so they wouldn't have to put up with me like I am anymore. I am acutely aware of how frustrating it must be when they can't see the stumbling blocks and why I can't just go to the doctors or even pick up the phone and call someone. In my darkest moments I can see only two options which were a, get better or b, suicide. Both seemed such an impossibly huge task with enormous repercussions I preferred the limbo of doing nothing. However the support I have had over the last few days has somehow changed my perspective. Knowing that people are there to just hold my hand if I need them too and help me sort through the mess that happens in my head. I know they have always been there for that but I never believed it until the last couple of days really.
Anyway, there ends the waffle from me. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone this time (I have a small case of The Fear that I will do that again). I am now going to go and hang up my car keys for a week and take my first dose of the new meds [gulp].