Sunday, 6 February 2011

If I close my eyes do I still exist?

I often feel like a square peg in a world of round holes. Like there is something about me that just doesn't fit, no matter how hard I try. I can't explain it in great depth but it is a feeling I have carried for as long as I can remember. The Amazing Forgetable Woman maybe?!

Maybe it is because I have to try? Being sociable, no matter the impression I give, does not come easy to me and I struggle in a lot of situations. I try and be nice and chatty but the problem is I am not very interesting (see baby bore post that I would link to I'd I weren't on my iPhone!). I don't have a lot in my life and I find people who do a bit scary and intimidating if truth be told. I wish I didn't as deep down I am fascinated by the wonderful phenomenon of humanity. I worry (more than ever since the breakdown) that people see me as a perpetual eeyore and as much as I try to hide what ever is my brains torment of choice I am never feel like I have done a good enough job. Probably because I need more than anything to let go of the reins and throw an almighty tantrum about everything. That won't happen though as it means loss of control over the only thing I have control over inside me.

Gah! This self pitying post has been bought to you by a missing pack of 75mg tablets. Proving once more I am still too bonkers to go without.


TheRubbishPregno said...

I'm a bit of a natural curmudgeon too.

I think you're fab, and if you want (when I've finished my own pity party) we can sit and be antisocial bastards together.

Hope you find the tablets soon. xx

Mrsf said...

I just want to give you a hug. I know EXACTLY what you mean about how you are in social situations. You have put how i feel into words. No matter what though you are fabulous and i love your blog and if you need anymore proof of how fabulous you are then just look at your gorgeous girls. They sound brilliant and i love hearing your stories about them. I hope your tablets are found soon and you start feeling a bit better xx