Half Term will be the death of me!

We are half way through and I am exhausted already!

Monday we had friends over and a house of 4 adults, 7 children. Impressively the only casualty was easily fixable if unfathomable. The two tiny two year olds (and I mean tiny... they are both titches!) managed to take Phoebe's wardrobe door off! I am grateful it didn't thwack anyone on the way down but it was absolutely priceless, their guilty faces, Phoebe's overly dramatic tears and the culprits older siblings grassing them up!

Yesterday was swimming day and we popped into town before swimming and bought a couple of Wii games and had a wander to kill some time. Then we popped back home to get P's swimming stuff and I had the bright idea of asking next door's workmen to quote for making the front garden pretty. I have tried shingle and cats used it as a great big litter tray (ick!), we tried turfing it but it turns out I am not very good at turfing and it was a bugger to maintain. So now it was time to pave it. They called me back later that night with a quote and I accepted so...

Today we have been in all day as the workmen have been doing our front garden! Well ok we didn't have to stay in all day but I am a nosey parker / control freak and like to watch them work! It looks a billionty times better!

But as a result we are all very very BORED now. I am going to text my friend later to see if she fancies a playdate tomorrow as Phoebe and Clara are very keen on seeing her children. If that doesn't happen I might have to attempt [gulp] soft play or the Cinema as staying at home will end in the murder of two small shouty children. Not Good.

2 more days... well 3 really as Paul has his first 20 mile run on Saturday so will be fit for nothing afterwards I should think! Especially as he is running it at the same time as he will be running the marathon so he can figure out when and what to eat prior to running.

Can she build it?

YES SHE CAN!

Hurrah, the new toy storage arrived today and building it gave me a much needed Rage outlet. I have had a bad BAD morning with both an epic Mummy Fail and a related Wife Fail.

Mummy Fail: Not only did I take Phoebe out of school yesterday to see my Pa and Stepma for the first time  since October. But today I forgot it was Mufti day so Phoebe went in her uniform, until she saw the rest of her class in mufti whereupon we both had a lightbulb moment and I felt awful and she sobbed her wee heart out. I would normally have whipped home and grabbed her mufti clothes and popped them back in but for 2 things. 1, we have been barraged with texts over the last few days about not being on school grounds when it is in session and 2, last time I dropped anything in for her, a cardigan as it wasn't dry enough when school started and they were all in the wash, not only did said cardigan not get to her but all the children came out with a charming bright pink letter telling us various things like they don't have time to pop things to classrooms so could we please remember everything. Which frankly was a bit too much of a co-incidence for me! So her teachers told her she, and the other children whose parents forgot, could raid the dress up box. I still felt awful for her though and totally to blame for forgetting. I left her in tears which is always a hideous way to leave, especially when it is such a rare occurrence for my girls!

Wife Fail: I felt so awful I couldn't stem the tears and rang Paul in floods about it. Poor git hadn't even got to work without me sobbing down the phone incoherently at him! Clara thought I missed Phoebe or Daddy or that I didn't love her anymore (dramatic much!).

So I came back, ranted a bit and set to building the new toy storage unit in the living room. Stopping only to first talk to Mum and then throw up. I suspect Rage come down. Then I built the new expedit shelving unit for Phoebe's room. Needs a bit of a reshuffle in there to make it perfect but it is a good start.

Have just picked Phoebe up from school now only to be told that she told someone to Piss Off on Tuesday (someone else picks her up Tuesday pms and we were away yesterday so they only just told me). Mortified doesn't cover how I feel and I will now be monitoring my language even more studiously! I suspect that will make Mummy Fail 2 today. Oh rapture.

Introducing Poppy Bunny...

I just realised I haven't introduced you to the latest in our household. I have mentioned her but not actually introduced her... how ROODE of me! So here she is:

She is about 4 months old and a Rex rabbit. She is incredibly soft and very sweet (she is currently sat next to me on the sofa, watching One Born Every Minute and occasionally giving me bunny kisses). She makes me laugh as she honks when she thumps... so funny! She has been introduced to Turvey and all was well until she moved towards his carrot (not a euphemism!) and then he attempted to start a fight but was swiftly separated by me and had his carrot taken off him t'boot. However I think things will be fine with them! Turvey has enjoyed his time on his own and is now much braver (he put up with being "loved" by 3 small girls this afternoon) and happier, I think he is going to like being Alpha Bunny for as long as Poppy lets him be! They will remain in separate hutches for a while yet though, I think Turv quite likes his Bachelor pad!

The "do you leave them in the car at petrol stations" debate...

This seems to crop up time and time again. Here is my take on it... I have the choice of 2 scenarios:

Scenario 1 - I take the girls into the petrol station with me.

No, no. NO! Put it back, PUT. IT. BACK. Phoebe come here. Clara get out of that woman's way! Keep your fingers to yourself... NO! Do you want me to count to three? Ok... One..... Two..... Thre thank you now stay here. STAY HERE. Clara get up off the floor. No you can't have crisps. Phoebe come back here! No you can't have sweeties. I can't afford it. Don't touch that. Put it back. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.  PHOEBE stop strangling your sister. Clara you aren't dead get up please. No there is no Prince Charming to kiss you. What are you talking about apple? Clara you don't LIKE apples whether they are poisonous or not. I don't know why that lady has hair... why do you have hair? Clara it isn't nice to point. Maybe she likes it like that. Phoebe, put it back. Stop wailing. Stop it... Phoebe, STOP. IT. Stop now or there will be no pudding. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.  I SAID NO. GET. IN. THE. CAR.

Scenario 2 - I leave them in the car.

Enter Petrol Station
Pay
Leave.

It is a no brainer surely?! In my5 yrs of parenthood and 30something years of life I have heard of very few petrol stations blowing up. Also in my 5 yrs of parenting not one person has tried to take my children out of the car. Perhaps I should leave the doors open to encourage them...

Anyway, lugging either a carseat, a child, a child and a carseat or two children across a forcourt knowing you are entering Tantrum Paradise is not appealing. So I leave them. Call me a bad parent, call me what you like... I like an easy life!

Under Pressure.

Clara starts school in September and then I have to Get On With My Life. You have no idea how absolutely fucking terrifying this is. I am a jack of all trades but master of none and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. The thought of having to do it puts a lump in my throat and makes me feel physically sick and teary.

I have a few major issues.

1, I enjoy doing lots of things but I am not actually good enough to do any of them professionally (and yes I include photography in this).

2, I need something that is either going to pay well straight away so I can afford wrap around care for the girls. OR fit in with school hours (moon on a stick anyone?!).

3, I currently take enough ADs to keep me stable whilst I am at home and don't go out a lot. I don't know how I will cope in any other environments for sustained periods.

Just a few worries then! I need to really starting thinking about this because I have roughly 7 months to make decisions before I have to start doing something about it properly. I feel sick with the stress of it!

The Post Office.

Paul is out so I am feeling all retrospective whilst I wait for my curry. I am thinking about what things I have to work at, what issues about myself I have to tackle before I feel more normal. I read a friend's blog and she is doing 101 things in 1001 days so I might write a list for that. But I will have to incorporate the things that, in my head at least, are huge hurdles.

The biggest one is The Post Office. I don't know what it is about it that gives me the heebie jeebies but it does. It takes me AGES to work up to going to it and I hate ever second I am in there. Possibly because it does bring out the worst in people somehow. People want it to be functional and it isn't very at the moment. Admittedly it was worse before they modernised it as then it was all about the hustle and bustle that I find very stressful. Now it is just the association with that I think! I hate it, I feel sick even thinking about going. It is also because it is In Town and I loathe going in on my own, especially walking in. I feel so vunerable when I am out still! I worry that the security guards are following me because I must look suspicious as I am worrying (vicious cycle anyone!).

I really need to work hard at this as being a home body is fine until we hit Easter Holidays and I have 2 small children climbing the walls!!

Bloody Foxes...

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that they are, in fact, out to get us. Last year one bit Kit's arse resulting in a lovely trip to the OOH's vets and a nice big bill. Oh and about a month in the Cone Of Shame for Kit. Then one of the gits somehow got our lovely Topsy Bunny [sob sob], no idea how she got out of the hutch mind you, either a very clever fox, a very dim me or a very sneaky child... all are possible. But after searching and finding no trace of her we suspected a fox got her. This was confirmed a few days later when we found Topsy Colour fur in the garden.

She has been gone for about a month now and Turvey is one unhappy chap so time to get him a new girlfriend. This means a new hutch, a new hutch with a run, a new hutch with a run that is Fox Proof (we hope). Sigh. New hutch arrived today so I put that up injuring my thumb in the meantime and now I have insight into what an utter pain in the bum it must be being a monkey. New bunny is due to be picked up tomorrow and is, hopefully as I haven't seen her yet, a Doe Rex who is about 4 months old we think. Not a rescue this time alas as the man we got Turv from has moved too far away. So tomorrow I have to do the following in 3 hours.

Paint small area of wall that I was meant to do except the beloved didn't take the TV down.
Drive over to Kent, buy extortionate rabbit, drive home
Settle Rabbit in
Research bonding rabbits
Start Bonding rabbits
Ideally paint the second coat in the living room

So not much then eh?! Aside from the decorating it is ALL that ruddy foxes fault. Git.

(on the upside, found my meds so am slightly less bonkers than recently)

Playground Games...

Or a small insight into the scary recesses of Phoebe's mind.

Me: What did you do today?

Phoebe: Played Hamsters

Me: Oh? How do you play that then?

Phoebe: Well there are 3 people who play the hamsters and 1 who plays the cat.

Me: Sounds fun, were you a cat or a hamster?

Phoebe: Don't be silly Mummy I was the Mum!

Me: [getting a bit confused] Well what did you do?

Phoebe: [now sounding as though she is talking to an idiot] tell the cat NO!

Me: Erm, why?

Phoebe: Because the cat has to try and eat the hamsters!

Me: Ooohhhhh....


I fear her sometimes...She has the craziest imagination!

If I close my eyes do I still exist?

I often feel like a square peg in a world of round holes. Like there is something about me that just doesn't fit, no matter how hard I try. I can't explain it in great depth but it is a feeling I have carried for as long as I can remember. The Amazing Forgetable Woman maybe?!

Maybe it is because I have to try? Being sociable, no matter the impression I give, does not come easy to me and I struggle in a lot of situations. I try and be nice and chatty but the problem is I am not very interesting (see baby bore post that I would link to I'd I weren't on my iPhone!). I don't have a lot in my life and I find people who do a bit scary and intimidating if truth be told. I wish I didn't as deep down I am fascinated by the wonderful phenomenon of humanity. I worry (more than ever since the breakdown) that people see me as a perpetual eeyore and as much as I try to hide what ever is my brains torment of choice I am never feel like I have done a good enough job. Probably because I need more than anything to let go of the reins and throw an almighty tantrum about everything. That won't happen though as it means loss of control over the only thing I have control over inside me.

Gah! This self pitying post has been bought to you by a missing pack of 75mg tablets. Proving once more I am still too bonkers to go without.

If there was ever any doubt about Clara's manipulation skills....

Clara has had slapped cheek, although in true Clara style she was fine until the rash came up where upon she turned into even more of a Drama Queen than usual. So she has been off school for the last two days [manical laughter]. Yesterday I felt quite sorry for her as she did look as if I had walloped both her cheeks to a red frenzy and they were hot to touch although she only decided she was "poorly sick" once I told her she couldn't go to school. Anyway we headed to Asda whereupon I felt unusually generous to the poor wee soul and so purchased Snow White at the bargain price of £7 (given that we watched it 5 times in 24 hrs it is def a bargain!). I also purchased her a Disney Princess magazine and we read some in a vain attempt to convince myself that Disney Princesses are all empowering and shit like that.


Today I was a little less sympathetic, mostly as I tried to drop her off at school and she wasn't allowed so I was in a bad mood as I had to look after my own daughter. She got home, stripped off and donned her Cinderella dress ready to watch showing number 5 of Snow White. Halfway through I was given the order to "PAUSE IT" as she had to go to the toilet. A little while later she started calling me upstairs. Now bad mother that I am I was in the middle of a tomb exploration in Sims 3 and knowing full well she is capable of toileting solo I didn't want to go up. The conversation went thus:


Clara: Muuuuuuuuuummmy


Me: Coming


Clara: Muuuuummmmmmyyyyyyy, I needs tap on.


Me: yes yes I am just coming hang on a minute...


Clara: Muuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Me: [at crucial point of tomb]YES?!


Clara: I loves you


Me: [guilt button firmly pressed, pauses sims, goes upstairs to clear up small child]


Gah... the child has me wrapped around her finger! Mind you a dear friend described a Clara tantrum as "like being trapped at the business end of a jet engine during take-off" so I will give myself a well deserved break from The Mummy Guilt and look forward to those blissful 3  hours on Monday Morning where I am sans children. But with a paintbrush this time :D

It's official... I married a madman!

My wonderful husband is, voluntarily (!), running 26.2 miles around London on the 17th April... AKA The London Marathon. I think he is crackers as frankly I wouldn't run to the car unless it was raining, but then I suppose that makes him the better person doesn't it!


He is running in aide of The Neuro Foundation which is, I am sure you agree, a worthy cause and if you care to sponsor him and his team mates (Gary and Stephen) they will be very appreciative:


http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/GaryPaulandStephenruntheMarathon


Training is going really well so far, Paul ran 15 miles last Saturday in 2hrs 20min (although he is keen to point out that it isn't at "Race Pace" [sigh]) and is on track for being able to run the whole thing come The Big Day. Naturally we are doing all we can to help and aide his training in a more all round way than running along roads so this weekend in addition to running 12 miles on Saturday he will also be working out his upper body by painting the living room ceiling. Aren't I kind to him, ensuring a well rounded body work out?!


His supporters will, of course, be there for him (Possibly with glittery Pom Poms if Clara gets her way) at the start and finish. And because of the wonderful app he is using on his phone we should be able to track him which is pretty dang cool!


Seriously though, I am very very proud of him. I know this has been one of his big ambitions since I met him (so 10yrs ago) but I remember him laughing at me when I suggested he made it a reality a few years ago as he didn't think he was up to it!

A movie of thoughts....

Over Christmas Paul and I recorded the film Mr Majoricum's Wonder Emporium mostly for the children because I liked the sound of the title and a little bit of the bumph, I mean what is not to like about a magical toy store?

Well we sat down to watch it and the girls just weren't interested but it absolutely captivated me. It tells such an important lesson. It tells me that death shouldn't be about mourning the loss of someone but celebrating the life of them. Something I have always believed anyway really but this film expresses it in such a wonderfully tangible way. It describes our lives as a story, and how when one ends another begins and that is such a perfect way of looking at things. No story can last forever and we should make our story the most wonderful one we can imagine.

There are quotes in this movie that I would love to have read at my funeral. Not in a morbid way but because it totally inspires me to make my story as wonderful as possible. This is, I think, my favourite quote:

 When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words. I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died." 


Isn't that a wonderful way to look at life and death?

Imbolc is here.

The wheel of the year turns ever onwards and today we celebrate the light slowly returning and anticipate the life that stirs in the soil beneath our feet. Today I decorated a Pentagram and a Goddess form for the Kitchen, I have one more to do for above the Front Door but that can wait until tomorrow:

I also made candles with the girlies... that is to say we made Beeswax candles and they were totally delighted to be able to make them on their own and even more excited when I lit them for them as they ate their tea.

I also managed to clean the house and make a plait loaf as an offering, well some of it anyway! The girls and I also anointed all the windows and the front door to banish the negative energy and welcome in the positive.

It was so much fun doing it all with the children and they were so happy to be helping me and getting involved with all aspects of our faith.