Good Days and Bad Days.

Today has been (on my scale) a good day. The girls swam well today and we decided that as soon as there is a space Phoebe will move up a class as she is over confident (read: Bored so messes around) in this class and hopefully the next class will push her that little bit further. Other upside is that her usual teacher was away today and her Mum took the class instead (she is also a swim teacher) and was able to witness the Phoebe and Clara Swimming Show so is going to instruct normal teacher to push them both that little bit harder as they both need it. I baked bread, I didn't sew and I didn't lock myself in my bedroom and hide under the duvet. I haven't needed a diazepam in 4 days now I think which is a good thing, it means the AD medication is starting to work I hope. I am seeing the doc again on Friday, Mum is coming with me so hopefully we will find out how long the psych referral will take to come through (and if they accept me, I really hope so) and what will happen then. I still don't enjoy being out and about by any stretch and I suspect that the trip into Matalan was a bad idea and I ended up with a child under each arm and a frog march back to the car. We only went in for pants and vests for Phoebe!

On bad days, well it is a disaster zone, I can't do anything. I pride myself on my cooking and right now I can't do that very well (I have burnt more food in the last month than I have in my life I think!). I forget everything (eating, showering etc), I can't finish sentences, I jabber, I have no patience with the children or Paul, I panic about stupid things (under siege by the window cleaner?!) and I shake all the time. I generally don't do much on bad days but sit on the sofa under my blanket (where I am right now) and play Sims3. I know it sounds barmy but it gives me a small sense of control, something I don't feel I have in the outside world. I have lost so so much because of this awful illness (and it is just that, an illness), some things I hope I will one day be able to repair and others I have to let go of no matter how much that hurts.

At the moment I would really like to be able to sleep, I would sleep all the time if I could. Bed is such a comforting place... safe and warm. But I have to get up, I have to get children to and from school, I have to feed them lunch, change nappies, ensure bottoms are adequately wiped, referee arguments, field endless questions (from both of them), ensure toys are shared nicely, watch endless amounts of Cbeebies or Disney/Pixar movies. I am about to go up and watch episodes of Buffy until I pass out (why can't they put a "watch all" bit on the DVD the theme tune always wakes me just as I am dropping off!).

My friends and family are being truly amazing. I feel no pressure to be better for anyone other than myself. I know they love me warts and all and given what a royal pain in the arse I must be some times that is saying a lot! The support and understanding they have shown me is second to none. One day I will be better and I will be back in control of myself and then I will be able to thank them properly. I am doing my best to get through the days right now, slowly slowly I can see the light blinking at the end of the tunnel. One day I will reach it.

Woo, I have finally started.

I am now one dolly change bag & mat down. Small glitch with the nappies, it would appear the girls' dollies have larger backsides than the pattern I have allows for. That and my measuring tape appears to have been absconded somewhere so I can't measure up right now. Mucho frustrating.

Last night I made 2 morsbags, tonight I will aim to make 3. I am hoping that the Beloved will remember to help me tonight so it should speed things up. Then I will have to face Ikea again for more fabric for the other 2 (and maybe another couple of fleece blankets...).

Tomorrow night I plan on making the other nappy bag and change mat. And, if of course my measuring tape resurfaces, 4 nappies for the dolls. Then I just have to think about making some kind of clothing, I may cheat here and head to the local Mothercare / Next with the doll and buy a couple of new babygrows they can wear.

On Friday my plan is to start on the Well Woman Packs.

Saturday will be the Humpty Dumptys.

Sunday will be the scarves (assuming I can get to the haberdasher for the fleece)

Monday I am going to attempt to finish off the tutus.

Then on Tuesday I am going to my friend Annabel's and we are going to eat Thai Green Curry and make a good stab at a KatyBag by the lovely LiEr on Ikat Bag. This involves Piping and is kind of reliant on if Annabel has a zipper foot or not lol! If it proves too tricky for us poor novices then we might have a go at the gorgeous Bustle Skirt in last months Sew Hip! magazine, which reminds me I really should scan that in for Annabel!

Rememberance Sunday, the words ring in my ears.

When I was in 6th Form at Cheltenham College we used to have Sunday practice for Chapel on Fridays. The Friday before that remeberance Sunday we rehearsed the usual hymns and whatnot. Then the Rev rehearsed the words with us. I remember the school muttered "we will remember them" and the Rev got so cross with us and told us that we weren't remembering what we had for lunch, or if it was a birthday we were remembering those brave people who lost their lives to ensure our peace. That the words "we will remember them" should be filled with love, respect and total gratitude to them.

To this day I cannot speak, nor hear those words without remembering the utter conviction that the Rev put behind them and that conviction took it's place in my heart and I thank him for that.

Therefore I stand and declare:

I will remember them.



(Photography by Andrew Daly, isn't it stunning!)

My Christmas To Do List...

In a bid to fight off the procrastination... I have the following to complete before Christmas:

7 Morsbags
2 Well Woman Packs
5 evening bags
1 shopping tote
2 Humpy Dumpties
4 Children's hooded scarves
7 adult scarves
2 Dolly Changing bags (with stuff in)
5 tutus

And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Rearrange these words into an apt sentance

off I chew than bitten more can

[gulp]

*well not really but you get the drift!

Urgh.

Children vile. Feeling flat. Still feeling hurt despite having "closure" today. And I welcome any ideas to keep the 2 yrd old Clara-Bear in bed all night that don't involve strapping small child to bed with industrial strength gaffa tape welcome.

I. Am. Fed. Up.

Nuff said really.

Blessed Samhain to All!

We had a lovely one. We weren't home so no extra place setting this year although I don't think The Beloved Departed would have objected too much. Instead we went to our friends Jane and Mike's house for a Halloween Party, mostly for the children but I think the adults had fun too... particularly Capt Pyro (aka Paul) who was put in charge of fireworks once it was nice and dark.

We had a good range of costumes:

2 witches
1 vampire
3 skeletons
1 cat
1 mouse

All the children played beautifully together which was lovely. The Pumpkin Pinata we had been working on for the last 2 weeks went down a storm and the children all enjoyed beating the smeg out of it until it (eventually... must let it dry better next time) it fell to bits and revealed it sweetie innards and a scramble ensued.

Thwacking the Pinata

 

 Sweetie Scramble!

Clara Triumphant!

Jane has surpassed herself on the nosh, we had all sorts of gruesome goodies, shortbread fingers with red nails (almonds), red jelly with eyeballs (lychees & grapes), stacks of her signature brownies, sausages, hedgehog bread rolls, stink cheese, walnut bread, guacamole, a fantastic homegrown pumpkin.... I could go on. She does, for now, get the Barbie Baking Sheet award for services to parties! Phoebe's party is coming up soon I intend to attempt retrieving it briefly!

Post noshing Paul had a whale of a time setting off fireworks at the bottom of the garden and we all survived unscathed and so did most of the foliage!

We got back very late but feeling very happy and relaxed. It is the first time I have felt chilled outside of my own 4 walls in a fair while. Mind you I have known Jane and Mike for just over 4 years now (I was pregnant with Phoebe when I first met Jane... that is the only reason I can date it lol!) and feel very at home with them, well I would have to be as Jane was there at Clara's birth and that isn't something you share with any old person really is it?!

Mummy-needs-to-survive-halfterm party!

Sorry I haven't been around for a bit, has been a busy few days but, for the most part, wholey enjoyable! I have also had a horrid time with anxiety and lost my photo and writing mojo so haven't had the brain space to come and write my witterings or take any lovely pictures (chronic shaking doesn't help on the latter though to be fair!).

On Thursday my friends Mahri-Claire and her lovely husband Greg came with their boys Elijah & Sebastian, Annabel bought Eliza and Hugo and Rachel came with Laura. It was so mild that for most of the day they all ran around the garden, played in the sandpit and generally had a fab time (as judged by minimal tears and maximum tiredness). it was a bit of a risk getting Clara, Sebastian and Hugo in the same place as they are all Kamikaze Kids, however we got through the day without any major incidents from them! Phoebe Eliza and Clara did the first layer of orange paint on the Piñata and had loads of fun doing that. Elijah, Sebastian & Hugo played in the garden with Greg and had fab fun too. I roasted a chicken for lunch and we all had chicken sandwiches (there is no bad with Roast Chicken... yuuum!). In the afternoon Phoebe stripped off completely and played in the sandpit, Elijah freed himself of his trousers, socks and shoes in solidarity and whilst Greg entertained all the children outside (!) the Mummies got to hang out in the kitchen and natter whilst drinking "sweet nectar of life" (AKA Diet Coke). Mahri-Claire and Greg stayed for tea too which was lovely and Phoebe and Elijah really put loads of effort into their eating competition and both totally cleared their plates! Clara and Sebastian did their best too but being smaller are much more distractable. It was a truly wonderful day and as damn near perfect as I can imagine!

Here is a pic to entertain you that totally sums up the day: