A Jonah Day.

I confess I have been listening to Anne of Green Gables a bit and this phrase has stuck with me to describe a Bad Day. I have a serious case of the New Year Blues.

Firstly I am exhausted after 2 weeks of full time children. One of whom has been whizzy from day 1 of the holiday until they went back to school. She needs so much management at the moment to keep her on an even keel, especially alongside all the Christmas Excitement which disrupts her sense of normalcy. I don't think she has actually stopped talking for more than 10 minutes at a time and, of course, everything she says is of the utmost importance. We are still, well I guess the word is grieving too. We knew she was Autistic but it is a whole different ball game with other people telling you so. Now instead of thinking "are we imagining it" we are thinking "I wish it wasn't her". I love Phoebe with all my heart but it is horrible to think that she is always going to be a bit odd. It is horrible to think that she will have to fight that little bit harder to walk the same path as everyone else. I have heard a lot of "but it doesn't change her" since the diagnosis and no, it doesn't but it doesn't make it any less of a bitter pill for us to swallow.

Secondly I accidentally upset a friend when I wouldn't have done it intentionally for the world. I am so unable to let this go that I have been berating myself for my stupidity. Because of previous friendships my brain automatically goes to the worst case scenario in which I am culled forever. Plus all this beating myself up is more exhaustion.

One of the Dad's at the school drop off was rude to me this morning over something stupid. I bolted back to my car and cried. I am glad that I made it back to the car before the tears because that would have been mortifying.

Then this evening I accidentally parked in front of a garage. I really truly didn't see it (and they didn't have a dropped curb) but I got back to my car to a delightful passive agressive note. More yay.

I am just waiting now for the sausages to defrost so I can cook a fry up for my beloved as it is his birthday and then I am going to go to bed and hope things are better in the morning.

New Year. Same Old Me.

2012 was shit. There were a few good moments but it feels like the whole year was tainted by the wait over Phoebe's Autism. But now that is done I feel we can move forward as a family.

2013 has a lot to offer us now. We have a trip to South Africa to plan for and it's a family wedding so of course there are outfits to plot. Moving forward with the girl's education and hopefully getting the balance right for Phoebe so she can continue to excel. Trips to take. Walks to take Jasper on. Expanding my working capabilities if possible. Brownies to start!

Mostly I am looking forward to seeing both my girls develop and learn. They amaze me every day and I am an unashamedly proud mother. I am sure they will continue to do so.

So. That is that.

One week ago we had Phoebe's diagnostic assessment. It was horrible, we were asked to stay silent during it so they could artificially create all the situations possible to test her. At first she was reasonably ok with this but after almost 30 minutes she started to get upset and cross. Finally after about 50 minutes they went away for a 10 min deliberation. 45 minutes later they returned and confirmed that yes, Phoebe does indeed have an ASD. They broke things down into understandable chunks for us and we are waiting on the more detailed report.

At least now we know and we can all move forward. In that vein we had parents evening on Wednesday and had our first look at Phoebe's IEP (independent education plan) so we can work on lots of ways to help her manage her behaviours and issues at school. Hopefully this will start to help really soon as she is struggling to manage how she feels with other people currently. She hates to hurt anyones feelings so puts herself at the bottom of the pile but by doing that her self esteem suffers and we end in a vicious cycle of her worrying about being bad. One of the worst things I have ever heard from her is that we should just starve her to death, this isn't something you should ever hear from your 6 yr old and it breaks my heart each time I hear it.

Anyway, onwards and sideways we have Phoebe's birthday next week so we are all getting ready for that and all the fun that will bring. Then Yule which we all look forward to as we enjoy making the house beautiful and our Yule treat (Circus this year!) and finally Christmas. We have a cunning plan involving the Portable North Pole videoes we have bought and the girl's favourite movies....

BAM.... well, actually it would be more accurate to say SLAM.

So after the saga of FifIII and having Paul back to help with the morning. I was delighted to take the girls to school on Friday to end the Egg Traumas. Phoebe ran on ahead with FifIII whilst I got Clara out of the car and collecting all the various bags required for a day at school. All was going so well until I closed the back door.... alas my little finger was still in it.

Now I am not a wuss, I have had 2 children with minimum of pain relief and can cope with stubbing a toe without requiring copious amounts of swearing. But I screamed... loudly. Probably not helped by Clara's one and only comment on the situation of:

"You shouldn't have done that Mummy."

No shit sherlock.... I think that wins the prize for understatement! Anyway, naturally no bugger came to help me and so I got my finger out and cradling my hand Clara and I headed in through the gates. As we walked past the teacher outside I literally couldn't hold in the tears any longer and burst into floods on poor Ms H! They were awesome though, took over getting Clara to class for me and got me an ice pack for my hand (which was rather impressively swollen by this point!) then went to make sure the girls had settled ok for me. I managed to drive home one handed and took myself up to the walk in centre where the nurse looked at it, checked I could bend it and declared it Not Broken. Phew. Of course they had no plasters to dress the cuts for me so I staggered back home to dress it myself and gobble many many painkillers. Currently I have splinted it to my ring finger to help support it as it is still flipping painful!

The upside was that the mahoosive amount of pain I was (am still) in allowed me to let out all the emotions from the week. Poor Mum got to field a sobbing phone call from me. The fact that Phoebe's ASD has been confirmed really hit home and the sore finger was just the straw that broke the camel's back I guess. Whilst it is what I wanted, I think a part of me would have liked to have been proved wrong. Having to admit something isn't right with your child is a really really hard thing to do and having a Doctor confirm that something isn't right always comes as a shock.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to change anything and I am still relieved things have been confirmed. It is going to make Phoebe's life so much easier in the long run. But she is still my baby and always will be and I want life to be as fab as it can be and this is a hurdle she will have to manage all her life. People will try and judge her on her problems and I know that some people won't be able to see past the quirks to see the awesome child she really is!

Oh. And adding insult to (did I mention painful) injury Fifi has come home from the weekend.... hmph!

FifIII

After last nights squish-a-rama drama I confessed to Phoebe this morning. Well I say confessed... I mean of course I blamed the dog (ha, like you wouldn't?!). So after school Phoebe, Clara, Jasper and I walked down to the market and purchased 18 eggs. 1 new Fifi and 17 "just in case".

We got home and whilst the girls had tea I hardboiled and decorated (in exactly the same way as the last ones...) Fifi the third. Seal of approval was made and when it was bed time she was lovingly placed in her handbag bed whilst we read the last chapter of Treasure Island to Jasper. Jasper got bored and vanished half way through but we kept going and were relieved to find out that all ended well and Jim got home safe and sound.

Then we noticed.... No FifIII. She wasn't in her bed, she wasn't on the floor.... where could she be? Where was Jasper... he was very quiet and not nicknamed Klepto the wonderdog for nothing. A quick investigation of his bed revealed a, thankfully still intact, FifIII.

Thankfully Phoebe found this all very funny and FifIII was tucked back into her handbag bed and put in the drawer!

I am sure the Yr 2 teachers thought this would be a nice, easy, fun project and not one that would cause a large amount of stress to all the poor parents!

More adventures of Fifi.

Today Fifi2 survived going to school. Then she had a nap and then she went swimming with Phoebe. Where she witnessed Clara swim at least 10M for the first time. Then she had a little ride home in my handbag and over the course of the evening going squished.

Shit.

I am out of eggs and the shops are now closed.

Double Shit.

I am a bad bad bad bad Mummy.

The Egg-citing adventures of Fifi.

I pick Phoebe & Clara up from school last night and Phoebe presents me with a letter and shows me an egg with a face on it:

Said egg is called Fifi. And Phoebe has to look after it and write a diary for a week. Hmmmm.

Last night it got caught in the rain and it's face washed off. We couldn't go home for emergency repairs alas as we had to go to Ballet much to Phoebe's distress. I told her that Fifi must have gotten car sick and that is why she was so pale (nothing like parenting to teach you to think on your feet!). Fifi then watches as Phoebe plays "adventures" with her two buddies R & J while Clara has her ballet lesson. When it is time for Phoebe to go to her lesson she takes Fifi with her and Miss Penny very kindly gives Fifi a bit of a make over. All well and good tra la la la la. Then... Oh My Gods... then Phoebe tells Clara she can carry Fifi out to the car. Hands up if you can guess what happened next:

SPLAT!

Thankfully Phoebe is skipping ahead with Jasper so I swear Clara to secrecy on pain of removal of all things pink from her universe and scoop up the remains of Fifi and stash her in the boot so she can be "safe" in my coat. We then swing by Fat Rons for their tea (oh shoot me, it's once a week and after at least 45 mins of dancing!). I ring Paul and ask him to hard boil me an egg whilst I run in and grab the food. The girls stay waiting with the dog and I then stash the food with Fifi in the boot.

When we get home the girls are allowed a Big Treat of eating in the living room and we shut ourselves, the dog, the broken egg I have secreted back into the house, the newly hard boiled egg and my entire art box. I then set about putting Fifi back together so I can copy Miss Penny's beautiful handiwork onto the new blank egg. I succeed with reasonable success and then when the new improved Fifi2 is bought up to bed Phoebe is none the wiser (and I am in need of a stiff drink!).

Fifi2 spent the night in a mock retro clip handbag lined with a flannel and a hankie as a sheet and went off to school with Phoebe today. Tonight we will be walking the dog, watching Willy Fog (the cartoon from the 80s) and then going to our swimming lesson with Fifi2. I don't want to think about having to make Fifi3. Mostly as I am on my own tonight and we are out of eggs....

Breathing Out.

Oh I have been a naughty naughty blogger haven't I. Whoopsy! But in defence life got hectic FAST.

So let's see my last post was about getting a dog. Said dog is now sat in my living room aged 16 weeks and is currently chewing a dog on a lead toy that he probably shouldn't be chewing but at least it isn't a table leg! He is white and black, lots of fun and is called Jasper (or Klepto the Wonderdog depending on how much is missing):

He is also the most gorgeous dog in creation naturally and he loves ME best!

We started Puppy School last week and he is a total smarty pants swot who will do anything if there is cheese at the end of it. And I did a PAWS course in August this year so we could train him to help out with Phoebe when she gets whizzy.

On the subject of Phoebe getting whizzy. Today we had our initial assessment with CAMHS and they have concluded that she is, indeed, on the spectrum. Right now I am mostly relieved that we weren't seeing things or imagining things. The full weight of the implications will hit me in time I am sure but I am determined to keep looking at all this as a positive thing because it is going to be an invaluable tool for us and we are all going to benefit from it. Phoebe remains non the wiser about it and was mostly thrilled that she got to sit in a room with toys all to herself and she got chocolate. Until we have a formal diagnosis we are planning on keeping it that way.

I do have massive thanks to do for my friend Karen who shared a fab report on her lovely boy which helped me write a similar one on Phoebe and then checking it over for me to make sure it read well. To MyBecky for her lovely report on Phoebe as a Pre-Schooler, Miss B & Miss M for their report on Phoebe the school child and Miss Penny for her report on Phoebe at ballet. Without all of these things and their unfailing support of both Phoebe and myself I am not sure we would have been able to be so conclusive. And, without wishing this to sound like an Oscar speech but not wanting to miss anybody out. I also want to thank Jane and Mike for being fabulous trail blazers for us. Seeing how ace Lexi is and how you have worked his ASD into life has been hugely inspiring and given us confidence in seeking help for Phoebe. All of our parents for being their usual supportive loving selves and Emma for standing by us and letting me rant when I need to!

We have a long road ahead still but with the constant love, help and support I know things are going to be OK. And really you couldn't ask for more! We feel we can breathe out a bit now, we aren't holding our breaths waiting for now. What ever happens, what ever the diagnosis we will get there.

We have a new member of the family En Route.

The decision to get a Dog at some point started at the beginning of the year. We had been happy with our 2 newly bonded bunnies and our 2 cats. Then Turvey the bunny died suddenly at the beginning of the year and we couldn't bear to replace him. So we moved Poppy inside so she would have us as company. We started mulling the idea over and with the additional issues of Phoebe's potential ASD we decided that a dog would be the next best family pet for us. When later in the year Little Brown Cat's kidneys gave up the ghost and she departed this world too we started looking in earnest for a dog.

I checked out all the local shelters but it became apparent that none of them would rehome a young dog to us with 2 young children. Especially as one of those children has special needs (not in relation to dogs... she is like a mini Dr Dolittle!). So I started looking online for pups that would be homed around September time. Then I came across an advert for pups ready mid August and the picture of the dogs Mum was just lovely. I got that good feeling that usually means I am onto something so I emailed them and after an exchange of emails we got to go at the top of the waiting list for Izzy's pups!

At this point we hadn't told the girls anything but as the due date got closer for the pups I got more and more excited and we told the girls about it last week. Then on Saturday I got the email I had been waiting for, Izzy had given birth to 5 beautiful pups on Thursday night by Emergency CSection. 3 boys and 2 girls:

We get to pick which one will be our pup on the 14th July and I can't WAIT. So far I have toys, blankets, a crate and a nice soft cushion for the pup to snuggle up with. I have a few more things on my list before the pup comes to live with us when we are back from Greece. I will update as soon as we have chosen the pup and can do a proper introduction!

Puppy Trial Run....

We have two furry visitors here at the moment. Mum's schipoo puppies Lolly and Poppy are here for the weekend whilst she and Rob are away visiting family. The girls have been ecstatic since their arrival last night and the puppies have been incredibly well behaved too!

Most excitingly this is a bit of a trial run for us as we are planning our own furry friend in September. We must be utterly cracked to think about this seriously but we have done all the research we can do. We are looking into puppy prep classes so the girls will be prepared properly. And we are hopefully going to do a course with PAWS so that the dog can be a companion for Phoebe to help her deal with anxieties (give her a focus) when we are out and about. With that in mind we bought Phoebe the RSPCA How to look after a dog book and she is has been reading it voraciously since then. We are going for something a little bigger than these pups and are looking at Cockapoos. I am ridiculously excited and might already be planning names!

9-10 Months....

9 to 10 sodding months. Before we even have the initial appt for CAHMS to assess Phoebe. The referral co-ordinator was meant to be calling me back, I am still waiting a week later. It is so unbelievably depressing. All I want is a few answers and for a pro to give me their opinion of Phoebe so I am not blindly flailing with her and constantly on damage control.

I am lucky that I have a very supportive school for her and they are constantly coming up with ways for helping her cope. She is able to take herself off to the time out table any time she wants if she is getting "whizzy" and they have her ear defenders so she can put them on when things get too much. They are as confident as I am of what the problem is. But with her moving her into Yr 2 soon and the lessons being much more rigid I worry she won't cope so well. Especially as now the girls are getting older socialisation starts to become much more key and I worry she will start to stand out as an oddity where she doesn't blend with other 6yr old girls.

The ear defenders are a bloody revelation. The improvement is instantly visible when she puts them on. They were an utter God send in the Natural History Museum trip we took with school last Weds. She only needed them in short bursts but the difference they made was amazing. She was instantly calmer and more able to focus on the task at hand. On the trains she was less shouty and twitchy whilst wearing them too. Amusingly she has also started wearing them in tap class as all the tapping gets to her but she does love to dance! To be fair dance class is an hour and 15 mins for her, 45 mins of ballet a quick break with a snack and then 30 mins of tap so by the time tap comes up she is tired and distinctly more whizzy! I really must go and buy a few more pairs so she can have one set at school all the time, one in her dance bag, one in my handbag etc etc. Also massive not-red ones would be good, a little more subtle perhaps!

Literal translations....

Yesterday we were at Phoebe's friend Nathan's birthday party. It was held at a football place near the kid's school. Phoebe and Clara had a fab time running around and playing football. Phoebe decided she was captain of Team England and lead them in a 7:7 draw with the other side (team Chelsea apparently).

After the match they were told they had played a really good game and should shake hands. All the other children started to move to do so. Phoebe stood stock still and did "Jazz Hands". If you are unaware of the jazz hand move then this vid demos it nicely!

Thankfully Phoebe wasn't so camp although she was still very amusing!

Week from Hell & Happy St Georges Day!

Last week can be summed up in 3 words. Clara Chicken Pox. Oh my good lordy lord... Mariah Carey could take Diva lessons from Clara! Add to that the fact we had to say our goodbyes to our beloved Little Brown cat and it does not a good week make. We were all glad when it was over and we were able to do a little recovery over the weekend.

On a happier notes today the girl's school was celebrating St Georges day. They were allowed to wear red or white, be a princess or a knight. Clara was predictable and was in her Princess outfit like a shot. Phoebe surprisingly wanted to be a Princess too, unusual I was convinced that she was going to want to be a knight (which btw... thanks to Monty Python is pronounced Ker-niggit in my head!). Anyway Princess dress was located in TK Maxx complete with cape.

So this morning came and they donned costumes, did hair and were ready:

As it was St Georges day I was invited (read Shanghai'd) to stay at school to join in the fun activities the school had planned. The school assembled on the field where, rather inconveniently, a dragon had laid a massive egg! Loads of activities were planned around the school and the girls took part in making a dragon puppet, creating a dragon rap (well... sort of, on account of the drums, Phoebe and I spent that session sat outside), making masks and writing news stories about St George's triumph over the dragon

(I shouldn't be left alone with computers and writing applications....) and making dragon scale handprints to go on the massive dragon. They had lots of fun and then I got to go home and they went off and had a picnic in the hall (was meant to be on the grounds but...well... it's april, in England. It rained!).

Hopefully they are both wiped enough for an early night as I am shattered. Reading until 3am is never a good thing to do before embarking on a morning at school with children!

Gogoi and the Lost Teddy. By Phoebe.

This was Phoebe's Easter Homework and she was so proud she wanted me to share it. She had to plan and write a story and here it is... warts and all!

One sunny day Phoebe and Gogoi were walking through the orchard. Suddenly Gogoi stopt and yeld  "I'ev lost my teddy!" Phoebe said "Don't wury lets make posters and put them up". Phoebe did the draring because she was best at it. Gogoi did the riting and photocopying.

Weil Phoebe and Gogoi were putting the posters up. Mum saw a poster so she asked if she can help. Mum looked on the grawed because she was ufraid of hits. Phoebe lookied in the midel. Last but not least Gogoi looked at the tipetop of the trees and there was ted!

"Teeeeed" thay cheered. Phoebe climd tall tree and down with ted. She gave ted to Gogoi whoo gave ted a big hug.

The End.

Sleep Overs...

Phoebe had her friend N over for a sleep over tonight. They started off in her room but N took issue with the blue wall in there and when I came up to comfort him he played his ace. He declared he wanted his Mummy, alas I knew that wasn't a possibility so I played the only card I could think of and suggested that they might like to watch Wizard of Oz (oh thank you timely Love Film!) in my bed and try and go to sleep in there. Thankfully that worked like a charm and by the time Paul and I climbed up the stairs to go to bed they had both fallen asleep!

Paul moved them back into Phoebe's room without issue thankfully!

Seriously Impressive Bruising!

Clara has a shiner. I should be horrified for the poor wee love, she thwacked her face on a slide in softplay last week. And I am, I really am. But still you HAVE to appreciate a good bruise and oh my, it is a good one. Starts on her cheek bone and then works its way up to her eye with a myriad of colours as well!

I mean is that not a seriously impressive bruise?! It is the Clara Way, if you are going to do it... do a Good Job of it!

The Kamikaze Kid rules supreme!

Oh and I have absolutely NOT been telling her to tell people that the Easter Bunny beat her up... No sir not me!

Do you know the BEST thing about having Phoebe?

She has absolutely no "they are a bit different" radar to speak of.

Take yesterday when we went to our friend Lexi's birthday party, she fitted right in with the boys who all have autism or something along those lines. She was in ecstasies about the lego figure in the party bags and about all the lego Lexi got for his birthday. She didn't make any comment on the fact that J was wearing Ear Defenders (something P does voluntarily when things get too much for her anyway!). It was also great for her as no one batted an eye that she didn't want her pizza because it wasn't round and pizzas are meant to be round (I have to say these friends wouldn't have batted an eyelid anyway but it was nice to be at a party where quirky was the norm!). Or her mild panic that the sugar in the cake would make her sick!

My particularly proud moment came when we headed off to the SEN play session at a local soft play area. There was a boy, lets call him O, who came running out of there as soon as our lot entered saying they shouldn't be there. We explained that they were autistic so it was allowed and that settled that. It transpired that O likes hugging little girls so the 3 non quirky girls were prime hugging material so spent a lot of time running away from him. Phoebe once she realised that he just wanted to be friends went and hugged him, took him by the hand and played with him beautifully! His Mum was really quite touched and Phoebe is still talking about O today.

Phoebe has loads of quirks that make her stand out alone amongst her peers a lot of the time but she also has a massive all encompassing heart and absolutely no fear of showing it. Once she has someone pigeon holed in her head (I think she has an internal naughty / nice list) she will be unfailingly kind and loving.

Next week's party will be more interesting for her as it is Rowan's birthday and this means hoards of 6-7yr old girls! I am predicting Phoebe and Lexi, iphones and headphones! Still Clara will have a ball, her and Rowan are so close it is lovely to see. It is nice for them to have each other too as they both miss out on the traditional sibling interaction on some levels.

There are a few negatives to opening your eyes to the fact that something isn't quite right with your child. But some of the benefits are amazing and Phoebe's massive heart and willingness to use it is definitely one of them!

We got the letter.

Phoebe has been accepted to CAMHS (Children and Mental Health Services) for review. This is the first hurdle in identifying what is going on with her. It was up in the air as to whether she would get accepted because a, they have next to no money and b, she is fine educationally (more than fine in fact, she is doing brilliantly!).

We also have the school on our side because whilst she is coping well in the class we have had lots of moments where she obviously hasn't coped. Memorably there was the day that Miss B moved PE from the start of school until after break and it threw Phoebe off kilter big time all day. Then there was the school trip to the transport museum. Went brilliantly until the presentation and the actor they had showing us around told us that we would be going back to the past via the medium of a pop up play tunnel. Phoebe took this literally and panicked, major tears and shrieking that she didn't want to go... clinging onto me. It took me and Miss B to calm her down (every time the phrase "go back to the past" was uttered it set her off again!) despite our giggles! However this has given us a few tools to abuse if / when the Ed-Psych comes to review her at school. Miss B is going to change things around to set Phoebe off knowing that she will demonstrate her panics.

I actually cannot praise the school enough, as soon as I mentioned my thoughts on Phoebe they said it was like someone had clicked focus and suddenly they saw it too. She has been in less trouble as they are more understanding that she often cannot help shouting out and that it is often easier to just go with it rather than fight it. Miss B is fantastic with her and is able to see and help her struggles in the play ground (it is un-structured so that is where she gets a bit lost). Educationally they keep pushing her where she needs it and appreciating her views on things. I feel very lucky that she has such caring staff. And to think I was worried about her going to this school... large slice of humble pie to table one please!

Personally though I am struggling a bit. Managing her behaviour and balancing that with making sure Clara is also feeling secure is exhausting. I feel like I am walking a tight rope a lot of the time and mostly just want to curl up and have a good cry that my baby is struggling and I can't make it all better. I have to get over this and remember that what ever happens Phoebe is just the same fabulous little girl she has always been and that, really, I am very very blessed with my girls.

Reasons I love my husband.

Even though he is working this weekend (yes people, he is working on Mothering Sunday). He is fabulous and wonderful and I am a lucky lucky girl to have him.

This weekend gone he worked hard (with my help... lets not forget my part in it!) making the garden pretty again. He built an area in the corner that is now home to a bench and a metal arch that will have clematis growing up it (when it arrives). I painted the back wall of the garden pink and we cleaned and sorted the patio. He took on the behemoth that was the rabbited Forsythia and dug up the root ball (and with a tap root the size of my arm it really was an impressive feat!) and transplanted a Yukka Tree in there. He also moved his raised bed to a new location and therefore all the dirt contained there. Oh and he built a bike area at the back of our shed which frees up a lot of (much needed) space in the shed. I stained the decking a nice colour and sorted out the girls garden toys.

Is this why I love him so? Well yes but mostly it is because he didn't mind me waking him up with a mammoth fit of the giggles on Saturday night. He caused the giggles admittedly by turning over and sleep talking in my ear. In the past we have had awesome sleep comments from him, my favourite being about a flame thrower and how he would like a go. This time the words he lovingly muttered into my ear at midnight were:

Damn Those Fucking Vampires!

I seriously couldn't breathe for laughing at him and I had tears running down my face!

Oh how I love him!

Mummy... Where did you live when the earth was built...?

Asks Phoebe en route to swimming!

I told her I wasn't alive when the earth was built as it was made millions of years ago. She thought for a minute then asked if I was dead. I explained I wasn't dead as I hadn't been born yet. She paused a little whilst thinking about this and then asked...

Where did Granny live then?!

That'll go down well then!